Mother’s Day: What We Really Want Ep: 111

In this episode, I am sharing:

Read the transcript of this episode:

Depression, anxiety, and autoimmune symptoms after birth is not how it’s supposed to be. There is a much better way, and I’m here to show you how to do just that. Hey, my friend, I’m Maranda Bower, a mother to four kids and a biology student turned scientist obsessed with changing the world through postpartum care.

Join us as we talk to mothers and the providers who serve them in getting evidence-based information that actually supports the mind, body, and soul in the years after birth.

Welcome to the Postpartum University Podcast, Maranda Bower here. And I don’t know about you, but I have been inundated with all of the Mother’s Day gift ideas, what to buy, what not to buy, what a mother really wants, and of course, the advice that we have to pass along to our significant others because clearly they’re gonna need some clues.

I was originally going to start this podcast with what we really needed, paid maternity leave. No more gender gap in the pay going to better healthcare and science for women. Motherhood is sacred rite of passage in this understanding of that burn the bras, right? But I’m seeing a need for something else here.

I’ve noticed a new trend. I’ve been seeing this for the last few years and it’s not celebrating Mother’s Day. Because the day is painful for those without a mother. Absolutely. For those with a big mother wound, we feel you. We see you. We know that can be difficult, but the new trend is taking on a new leg.

Why celebrate Mother’s Day at all when we’re going to be all left feeling unappreciated, hurt, or unacknowledged at all or at least not acknowledged in the way we need or desire. Really, we are wanting the best for Mother’s Day. We deserve the absolute best, most blissful day of our lives, very minimum once a year.

Okay. Often a lot more than that, but we need a time to be honored, loved, and reminded of our significance in what we’ve created in life for ourselves and for others to be consciously acknowledged in all that you are. But these trends, to not celebrate motherhood is insanely toxic to me. Let’s just add to the pain, bury it under the rug, and constantly get angered that we will never be enough, and that motherhood stinks.

It’s just angry and it’s painful. And then we have these Mother’s Day ads pushing people to buy the pretty shiny kitchen appliances for our moms and the workout gear and the. Toxic flowers covered with pesticides and the chocolates that give us a belly ache, they feel a bit condescending. So we have this toxic, condescending blend of not celebrating Mother’s Day, and then we get stuck in grief and suffering, and then we’re reminded of her every single year when Mother’s Day comes around.

And I often find as mothers, we are usually afraid of this day, afraid that you’re going to be disappointed once more. Afraid that no one will celebrate you. Afraid that you’ll end up with gifts that don’t fit your needs or desires, or worse that you’re not gonna get anything at all, not even the recognition you deserve.

Or maybe you do get something, but then you’re left with the aftermath. You have to clean up the entire. Kitchen and the entire house from the gigantic craft mess or the fancy dinner. It’s time to be done with all of this nonsense. And I’m gonna tell you how to have the absolute best Mother’s Day ever.

Are you ready? Okay. And instead of waiting around for someone else to make your day, decide to make it yourself. The best Mother’s Day I have ever had and continue to have every single year is the one where I declare where I am special and honor myself and all that I have done. It might sound really cheesy, right?

Or it might sound self-centered. Does it make you think that I am demanding or bitchy, maybe inconsiderate or burdensome? These are the things that we tell women all the time when they put themselves first. Like putting yourself first is a bad thing. And if you ever felt those feelings when I said honor myself and celebrate me, I totally feel you.

I get it. I was there too. But I swear to you that mom guilt and those emotions and thoughts that tell you otherwise is a bunch of poo. It is not true. There is a better way, and this is it. When I recognize and celebrate me, when I make me the number one priority on Mother’s Day, a major shift happens. My family responds and matches my energy behind it.

When you start valuing yourself and you start showing others how you ought to be treated and stand to honor that’s an important step actually. Honor that the world will bend around in your favor. Your partner and your children, they will start to acknowledge you at that level, but you have to do it first.

And stop waiting around for your family to do it for you only to feel disappointed, but it didn’t go the way you wanted. If this is you year after year, you have to make the choice to no longer be in that spiral,

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Here’s what I do. Every single year, I sit down with myself and decide, what it is that I truly want from this special day. What do I want to do to love me? Sometimes it means some quilt time or time to paint or to go out to eat for lunch, maybe with my family or maybe to journal alone. Sometimes I like to buy myself something really special, or sometimes it’s a family road trip.

Either way, it’s mine for the choosing. And after a few years, my family now knows how to celebrate me, and I still get the extras that come with Mother’s Day, the flowers, the noodle necklaces, the handmade cards, and the chocolate dips raspberries, they all make this day that much more special and meaningful, but now I get this genuine acknowledgement and appreciation and understanding of what it is that I do and what it is that I want.

I recently saw this really hysterical reel on Instagram, and it was a guy, and he was pretending to be both his wife and himself, and I wish I, I knew who to give credit to for this. If anyone knows, please reach out to us and let us know. But he was saying, oh I, your birthday’s coming up.

What do you want, honey? And then, the mom says I want you to know what I want. I want you to know what I want. And he’s no, it would just be really easy if you just added it to the Instagram cart or or added it to the Amazon cart and go ahead and just purchase it for yourself.

And then, I can just be off the hook. And she was like, actually, no. I want you to come up with a list of three things that you think that I would want. I just want you to know what I want. I don’t even want you to go get those three things. I just want you to know. And that’s really what this is about.

It’s not only honoring yourself. And getting what you truly need, but really also making sure that they understand what it is that you truly do, desire who you are at that level. I get the attention and care I get the time my load is lightened and it’s dependent on what I’ve needed over the years, and I have made my family very aware and cognizant of how to pick this up.

Sometimes it’s prepping the garden because it’s been, lots of rain. I’m behind. I haven’t been able to get into the garden and we’re running late. And so that becomes the family thing. We’re all working together. Sometimes it’s a matter of quilting. One of my favorite memories, I remember telling my husband the night before, I just want some time to veg out on Netflix and quilt.

That’s what I wanna do. And I woke up in the morning and I had that beautiful breakfast, and when I came out of my room, still wrapped in my robe, the Netflix was on, and my husband and children had brought down my entire sewing table. My sewing machine. All of the things in the living room in front of the TV had everything set up.

And they were like, are you ready for your big day? And so I got to do that all day long. It was so beautiful. Okay. And sometimes it looks different, right? Depending on what it is that I really want. And it started this way because I decided first what I needed and what I wanted and what would make me feel good.

Sometimes we don’t even know what that is. Especially when we have little kids running around and we’re so inundated with their needs, we forget our own. So take a step back and actually ask yourself what is it that I need, and then communicate that’s what I did for myself, and again, watching my family match me and their desire to help me and support me.

And I hear this often, but I shouldn’t have to do this. I shouldn’t have to make this step. Why do I have the responsibility of training, quote unquote, my family? And my answer to this is because no one else is going to do it, and no one else has done it before you. There are literally no great examples just lying around and your needs are very different from your friend’s needs or your mother’s needs, or their mother’s needs.

Whoever it is that’s supporting you isn’t going to know how to support you and you unique needs without you communicating that to them. This isn’t about telling your husbands what you need or what you want, it’s more about acknowledging your needs and providing that for yourself. It’s not something that feels heavy or hurtful.

It feels empowering. It’s coming from a place of love and acceptance of myself, and that in itself is a gift. And what radiates from that when our families, our husbands, our partners, our children, start to notice that and acknowledge that and see what it is that we truly desire, because we put ourselves first and we said, this is what I need.

That is so beautiful. I promise you. Try it. This Mother’s Day, I am giving you permission to celebrate yourself. What are you choosing? How will you be celebrating you and making this the best day ever? I really want to know, head over to our Instagram on Mother’s Day. We’re gonna have a post there, and I really want you to drop in the comments.

Let us know how you are celebrating you that day, and if you feel more comfortable, message me privately. I am totally here for you and I want to hear what you have to say. Thanks so much. I hope you have a beautiful, loving Mother’s Day that you so deserve.

I am so grateful you turned into the Postpartum University podcast. We’ve hoped you enjoyed this episode enough to leave us a quick review, and more importantly, I hope more than ever that you take what you’ve learned here. Applied it to your own life and considered joining us in a postpartum university membership.

It’s a private space where mothers and providers learn the real truth and the real tools needed to heal in the years postpartum. You can learn more at www dot. Postpartum U. That’s the letter u.com. We’ll see you next week.